Merry Christmas 2011

Damone and I were visiting with a friend from church and Santa burst through our front door. You can't tell from the picture but as soon as Santa left, all the kids we so excited and couldn't stop talking about it and how cool it was that he came in throwing candy.

Wouldn't you know that the toys he got the previous year are what he wants to play with this year. Our little Coop the Builder.

This year when we went to visit Maloree's grave we brought a pink rose we cut from "her" bush and the kids wanted to sing happy birthday. Lydia made her a birthday card, she is just so sweet and sensitive. It's always a neat family experience. The weather was bitter cold and windy, Cooper didn't want to stay for the picture.

I Can't Help But Remember

Every now and again something will spark all the memories, pain, grief and sadness I felt when Maloree died. I've had a new calling at church for the last few months to work with the Nursery age kids (18months-3 years.) I am really enjoying it, I see it through new eyes now that I have children of my own and they are older, the last time I was in nursery I only had Lydia.

Right now the kids who are coming into Nursery are the age Maloree would have been if she were here. I can't help but watch them and think about the things I never will see her do. I truly felt her near me in nursery on Sunday and was overcome with the love my Heavenly Father has for me. Even though it is still hard at times, I know I am blessed beyond what I probably deserve. I know that this life is but a small moment and I just need to endure it well. I pray that I take advantage of every little moment I am blessed to have with my family.

Remembering Maloree

Ever since Lincoln has been born, I have had my moments when I'm holding him, hearing him breathe or feeding him late at night that I just cry remembering last year when we lost Maloree. I just kept remembering how empty my arms felt and how my heart ached, and how hard it was leaving the hospital empty handed and that this Christmas I was able to have what I longed for so much the previous year. Lincoln has truly healed my heart, I don't think I could have made it through the holidays as well as I did if He were not here with me. Because Nana and Papa were here for Christmas this year, we all got to go and visit Maloree's grave and be together as a family and remember all that she has taught us and how much we have grown. I personally have been so grateful to my Father in Heaven for the last year. He has taught me so much about myself and others and I know that if it weren't for Maloree's short life, I may have never learned those important things. I've learned never to second guess myself on anything, fear and doubt do not come from the Lord and cannot exist at the same time as faith. I have developed a love for all, I wish I could say I feel the same way as I didn't shortly after losing Maloree, but I don't. Life has its distractions and you constantly have to learn how to put them aside. But after Maloree's death, I felt so clearly that everyone was my brother and sister and that we are all here to support each other as we endure to the end and strive to make it back to our Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ. I would be at the store and just look at the complete strangers and wonder what are they facing today that I don't' know. I knew that they didn't know what I was going through, maybe they were dealing with the same thing and just needed someone to reach out to them. During this time I knew what it felt like to have charity towards all. I've learned that the Holy Ghost is real and that he is my constant companion ready and willing to communicate with me all day if I am humble and receptive to His promptings. I have gained a greater appreciation and understanding knowing that my Savior is the only one who truly understands what I am going through and how comforting it is to know that I am never alone. I often think about the pain and deep sorrow I've felt and that he suffered that same pain for me, I could barely handle that burden that was placed upon me and to think that He bore the burdens for all is beyond our understanding. Because of His atoning sacrifice I can become clean and because He died for me and all, I know that myself and Maloree will live again after this life. Life on the other side is closer than we think. There is no doubt in my mind when I say I know where I came from, I know why I am here, and I know where I am going. How wonderful it is that a loving Father is aware of us and loves us and has wisdom in all things even when we don't. (Mosiah 4:9) I put all my faith and trust in knowing that.

Playing Catch Up

So I've been looking through all of the pictures we've taken and feel the need to blog about them. It makes better journaling when you can put a picture with it. Hopefully this will allow me to get caught up on all the summer happenings.

Cooper took a big spill on his bike. He decided to go full throttle down our sloped driveway and missed the neighbors driveway across the street and instead hit their curb. He flew off his bike and landed on his face. I was worried he might have broken his nose because of how fast it swelled up. This picture is a few hours after the swelling was starting to go down! I couldn't even bare to look at him-He didn't look like my Cooper. Luckily nothing was broken, he just took a pretty big hit on his nose and cut up the inside of his upper lip.

I tried to get a profile picture of him the day it happened but he was just wanting to be held-can you blame him? Anyway this picture is a couple days later and it doesn't do justice for how far out his upper lip was. Damone came home that day from work and was shocked. Cooper's upper lip stuck out like a ducks bill. Thankfully the mouth heals so quickly and he was back to himself in no time.

Maloree's Rose Bush

We've done a major overhaul in our front yard landscaping-ripping out old bushes, planting new ones and putting in a variety of different flowers. It is really starting to look nice. This is the rose bush we planted for Maloree. It is a Knock Out Rose and has really done well and taken off. It just keeps on blooming. The kids call it "Maloree's bush" and they really keep an eye on it and tell me when we need to cut back the dead flowers and when it needs to be watered.

We also found out in June that we were going to have another Boy. We have never found out gender on any of our other kids so it was actually a really big shock for us. We went home and it was almost surreal that we knew the gender and didn't actually have the baby yet. It was almost like we were in denial that they could even tell, because usually the baby is born and the doctor will declare the gender and Damone and I can immediately validate it. But just going off the ultrasound tech felt so weird. Lydia had a hard time adjusting to the thought of another brother. I took her to pick out his coming home outfit and we got our nails painted together. It was a really neat experience for her to realize that she can do girly things with her mom, even though her sister is not here.

We are very excited. This whole pregnancy I have felt very removed and very anxious and nervous. As the pregnancy has progressed I find myself feeling more and more confident especially now that I can feel him moving all the time. We only had one month between Maloree and this baby and as soon as we found out we were pregnant it was an overload of emotions-guilt, excitement, relief, scared, nervous and panicky to just name a few. But the whole time and even still I am humbled that Heavenly Father knows the plan for our family (I put my trust and faith in that) and needed this little guy to come at this specific time, that Maloree sacrificed her earthly experience for. Had we carried her to term we never would have been carrying this child. I have really gained a deeper understanding in the magnitude of the timing and place everyone is born and that gender does in fact play a very important role in our individual premortal, mortal and eternal identity and purpose.

Utah Trip-Shumard Reunion

Two Peas in a Pod

Cal loving Lydia / Following the Leader

Bear Lake adventure- Did I mention the water was freezing?

Kyler riding with Damone-he wanted to stay out forever / Lydia riding with Uncle Mike-she was ready at anytime to come back in.

The horses were the highlight of Kyler's trip to Utah. He was so excited to finally ride a "Spirit" horse and not a pony. The mosquitoes were so thick we were dousing our hair, clothes and any bare skin with bug repellent. Needless to say once the last kid got their turn on the horse, we made a mad dash for the cars.

The view from our cabin at Bear Lake

We had so much fun with all the cousins and the kids loved Family Home Evening with Nana and Papa.

I was so glad we had time to visit Great Grandma Staples. The kids had fun playing in her yard and picking up pine cones in the wagon. We had a great time visiting with Aunt Vickie and Blair and Kendra and Grandma and Grandpa and Uncle Todd.

Lydia's highlight of the Utah trip was losing her first tooth! Dad helped it come out at Grandma and Grandpa's house. She was so excited she couldn't put it under her pillow, she had to bring it home and show her friend Mandy before the tooth fairy made her visit.

The Month of May

May was one of the hardest months to get through-I can't even get through this post. There were times that emotionally I could just not deal with the day to day tasks. This was the month Maloree would have been born. Her due date was the 17th. So with Mothers Day falling on the 10th and being three months pregnant with all the paranoia that came with that, didn't make it any easier. I knew Mothers Day was going to be hard and I knew Maloree's due date was going to be hard, I just never imagined how hard it would actually be. I literally felt as if Maloree died all over again but this time I was the only one who knew. I felt like I was the only one who knew that Maloree should be here and wasn't. I was on an emotional roller coaster just like in December when it happened.
Then on top of all that, Lydia came down with 5th disease-which may cause a miscarriage. So you can only imagine how scared and just helpless I felt thinking that I could go through losing another child. 5th disease is not usually a concern if the mother has already had the disease in her life but I seem to be the minority in a lot of things so in which case I am not immune. Luckily it is only contagious the day before the rash appears and with Lydia's good hygiene habits nobody else got it. I was so relieved when I got back my blood work that said I had not been exposed. The month did however end a lot more pleasant then it started out.



The hospital was holding a memorial service for all the babies lost this past year. We opted not to attend and instead hold a more intimate service with just our family. I am so glad we waited until May to do this. In December I just knew I was going to need something in May when Maloree's due date came around and I was right. Attending the cemetery after my very emotional previous week was just what I needed. I can't even begin to describe how much peace it brought me to visit Maloree's grave site for the first time with Damone and Lydia, Kyler and Cooper and the new baby on the way.

The kids were themselves as usual- Lydia helping carry flowers and balloons, Kyler running around the open grass with Cooper following asking to have the balloons. The whole time I just couldn't help but think and chuckle to myself that Maloree was probably laughing at us all, she would've fit right in.

Each of the kids got to write Maloree a note or draw a picture and attach them to a balloon to release for her to get. Each of the kids got the opportunity to say something before releasing their balloon. I asked, "Cooper what do you want to say to Maloree" as I handed him his balloon he immediately let it go. I laughed. Then I asked Kyler, "What do you want to tell Maloree?", he paused for a few seconds and very innocently said, "That I love her." I cried. Then I asked Lydia she said, "Maloree, read my note and I really hope you get it." I nodded.

It was so touching to hear the kids vocally express their feelings to their sister. Damone dedicated the grave and we shared some scriptures and feelings we had. It was one of the most touching and spiritual moments we have had together as a family. I left feeling at peace and I no longer felt like I was alone like I had felt earlier in the month. I felt blessed to know that my family and I were experiencing this together and none of us were alone.

What an amazing blessing our Father in Heaven has given us in that through families we aren't alone in this life and that truly makes it a lot easier to endure your trials and to endure to the end, knowing that you are side by side with the ones you love most.

Music

So I decided to add a playlist to my blog. I think it is obvious that I love Josh Groban, his songs have so much meaning and inspiration and yes I do have Christmas songs on there. Christmas songs have a new meaning for me. Maloree was born still the morning of Christmas eve and listening to Christmas songs helps me remember just how special and life changing that day was, not only for me but to everyone when we truly understand what Christmas and the life of Christ really means.
I Hope you all enjoy the music as much as I do.

A Public Thank You

We have a large family picture hanging up in our entryway. Since we've lost Maloree walking by that picture saddened me knowing that there was someone missing. Two wonderful friends who I feel were inspired, put together this picture of Christ holding (Maloree) with her name and the date she was delivered at the bottom.

I cannot even describe just how special this gift is to me. All of our children are now represented, that the only word I can think of to describe our entryway now, is - complete.

Thank you so much Camille and Jackie you are such great friends.

I love you guys.

I love you just isn't enough

Okay so I have to say that I have the best husband I could ever ask for and he was meant for me. Sunday was our 7th year anniversary. I cannot believe how fast the years go. We celebrated our anniversary on Saturday and when I woke up, Damone had scheduled an appointment for me to go and get a facial, we went to dinner that night and he took me to go and get a new outfit (which actually turned out to be emotional for me). It seems that everything I do for the first time since losing Maloree is very hard. The last time I went clothes shopping it was for maternity. Anyways it has been a month now since we lost Maloree and even though it is still an emotional roller coaster, we are doing well. I can literally say that Damone has carried me through this. My love for him is on a whole different level. I don't know how I would have handled this tragedy without him. He has been so understanding and sensitive to my feelings. There are times when I seem like I am okay and then something triggers something and I just start crying. He is always there to hold me and let me cry and to get all my feelings out. He is the only one I want to turn to. For the last month when this all happened he has been doing the laundry and cleaning the house without saying a word, even when I said that I was going to do something that day and ended up not because the day was just too hard emotionally, he did it. Even when I don't have a reason to not do something, Damone is so great to help around the house and every night without fail he does the dinner dishes. I couldn't ask for more.

Damone I love you so much that words cannot express the unconditional love I have for you. It brings tears to my eyes to know that you are mine and how blessed me and the kids are to have you as husband and father. Thank you for going to work everyday and the sacrifices you make to provide for our family and thank your for honoring your priesthood and truly blessing our family. I couldn't ask for a better man to live life with, with all it's ups and downs and to be with for eternity. Thanks for loving me.

Little Footprints

In some ways I feel that posting a new post after the one we did for Maloree feels like I'm forgetting her. However, I know I will never forget her -she will always be a part of me, it's just hard. So I put a picture of the Savior holding a baby on our blog to have a constant remembrance of who she was and the four and a half months I had with her while I was pregnant. I wanted to post something tangible for others to see of Maloree. These are Maloree's sweet little hand and footprints -about the size of my thumbnail.

I know it is hard to fully understand the loss that our family has had especially because Damone and I were the only ones to see Maloree, I know because I used to be one who didn't know what to do or say to those who have experienced such a loss. It helps to talk about it and know that friends and family are there. We are so thankful to all of you for the love and support you have given and continue to give our family. We love you.

Maloree Marshall Shumard

Angel Baby

A heartbeat falls silent.
Tiny eyes close.
A miniature body No longer grows.
Mommy is shattered.
Daddy is sad.
Fate has erased the plans that they had.
Through all of the grief that leaves their hearts torn,
There's peace in knowing
An angel was born.
(unknown author)

On December 22, 2008 we went into the doctors office for our routine ultrasound at 19 weeks and our little baby had no heartbeat. Our sweet little girl was born still on December 24, 2008. The cord was pinched right as it entered her belly. Damone and I held her and loved her for those few moments we had. She was beautiful, her features looked like Lydia and Cooper and she had Kyler's toes. She weighed 4.5 ounces and was 8 inches long.
We know her life had purpose. We have had so many spiritual experiences during the pregnancy and afterwards that we know this was the Lord's plan. Although this knowledge doesn't make the pain any easier to bear, we know our little Maloree will be with us forever, she is just on the other side of the veil preparing for our Savior's return.

Some Only Dream of Angels, We Held One in Our Arms

Exciting!!!

Surprise!! Baby #4 is on it's way. We are 13 weeks and due in May.

We made this book to send to the grandparents to tell them the exciting news and I am actually really proud of it because it was my second sewing project. I sewed the binding so it's like a real book. Also it has our most current family pictures that turned out so great. Thanks Kathy!