Ever since Lincoln has been born, I have had my moments when I'm holding him, hearing him breathe or feeding him late at night that I just cry remembering last year when we lost Maloree. I just kept remembering how empty my arms felt and how my heart ached, and how hard it was leaving the hospital empty handed and that this Christmas I was able to have what I longed for so much the previous year. Lincoln has truly healed my heart, I don't think I could have made it through the holidays as well as I did if He were not here with me. Because Nana and Papa were here for Christmas this year, we all got to go and visit Maloree's grave and be together as a family and remember all that she has taught us and how much we have grown. I personally have been so grateful to my Father in Heaven for the last year. He has taught me so much about myself and others and I know that if it weren't for Maloree's short life, I may have never learned those important things. I've learned never to second guess myself on anything, fear and doubt do not come from the Lord and cannot exist at the same time as faith. I have developed a love for all, I wish I could say I feel the same way as I didn't shortly after losing Maloree, but I don't. Life has its distractions and you constantly have to learn how to put them aside. But after Maloree's death, I felt so clearly that everyone was my brother and sister and that we are all here to support each other as we endure to the end and strive to make it back to our Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ. I would be at the store and just look at the complete strangers and wonder what are they facing today that I don't' know. I knew that they didn't know what I was going through, maybe they were dealing with the same thing and just needed someone to reach out to them. During this time I knew what it felt like to have charity towards all. I've learned that the Holy Ghost is real and that he is my constant companion ready and willing to communicate with me all day if I am humble and receptive to His promptings. I have gained a greater appreciation and understanding knowing that my Savior is the only one who truly understands what I am going through and how comforting it is to know that I am never alone. I often think about the pain and deep sorrow I've felt and that he suffered that same pain for me, I could barely handle that burden that was placed upon me and to think that He bore the burdens for all is beyond our understanding. Because of His atoning sacrifice I can become clean and because He died for me and all, I know that myself and Maloree will live again after this life. Life on the other side is closer than we think. There is no doubt in my mind when I say I know where I came from, I know why I am here, and I know where I am going. How wonderful it is that a loving Father is aware of us and loves us and has wisdom in all things even when we don't. (Mosiah 4:9) I put all my faith and trust in knowing that.
5 comments:
It is when I read the posts like this, that I think you need to look into Blurb.com. I am printing our blog as a book, so it will be a "journal" & a piece of family knowledge down the line.
Tanna-THANK YOU for writing this. You will never know how much i needed to read this. It touched me. Thank you for being such a great sister. I love you and miss you lots.
Tanna, I love you and thanks for reminding me of our Heavenly Father. I'm soo glad you had Lincoln to help your empty heart. I want you to know I wish I could hold a baby in my arms and make my hurt go away.
I just have a longer test I have to endure. I wanted to let you know that at times when I was in the hospital I was just waiting for a hug from you. Maybe you weren't ready or didn't know what to say then and It's ok. I love you Tanna and I always will you are "My sister" and no one else can take my place.
Thanks for sharing that, Tanna. I feel very similarly about a lot of things I've gone through in the last couple of years. While trials are terrible to go through, the great blessing in them is that they are when we feel closest to the Lord, and our understanding of Him is the greatest. Sometimes when I stare down at my huge belly and feel the child kicking me from inside I realize that through this great blessing that has heeled me, I have perhaps lost a small portion of that closeness that came at such a dear price. And yet, as I talk to other people who are going through difficult times, and I can empathize better than I ever could have before, I often feel that closeness again. And I realize I DO remember, and I am grateful for the person my trials have made me.
Thank you so much for sharing your testimony. As hard as it is to get through our trials, you are right, we learn so much. Thank you for sharing what you have learned.
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