The Month of May

May was one of the hardest months to get through-I can't even get through this post. There were times that emotionally I could just not deal with the day to day tasks. This was the month Maloree would have been born. Her due date was the 17th. So with Mothers Day falling on the 10th and being three months pregnant with all the paranoia that came with that, didn't make it any easier. I knew Mothers Day was going to be hard and I knew Maloree's due date was going to be hard, I just never imagined how hard it would actually be. I literally felt as if Maloree died all over again but this time I was the only one who knew. I felt like I was the only one who knew that Maloree should be here and wasn't. I was on an emotional roller coaster just like in December when it happened.
Then on top of all that, Lydia came down with 5th disease-which may cause a miscarriage. So you can only imagine how scared and just helpless I felt thinking that I could go through losing another child. 5th disease is not usually a concern if the mother has already had the disease in her life but I seem to be the minority in a lot of things so in which case I am not immune. Luckily it is only contagious the day before the rash appears and with Lydia's good hygiene habits nobody else got it. I was so relieved when I got back my blood work that said I had not been exposed. The month did however end a lot more pleasant then it started out.



The hospital was holding a memorial service for all the babies lost this past year. We opted not to attend and instead hold a more intimate service with just our family. I am so glad we waited until May to do this. In December I just knew I was going to need something in May when Maloree's due date came around and I was right. Attending the cemetery after my very emotional previous week was just what I needed. I can't even begin to describe how much peace it brought me to visit Maloree's grave site for the first time with Damone and Lydia, Kyler and Cooper and the new baby on the way.

The kids were themselves as usual- Lydia helping carry flowers and balloons, Kyler running around the open grass with Cooper following asking to have the balloons. The whole time I just couldn't help but think and chuckle to myself that Maloree was probably laughing at us all, she would've fit right in.

Each of the kids got to write Maloree a note or draw a picture and attach them to a balloon to release for her to get. Each of the kids got the opportunity to say something before releasing their balloon. I asked, "Cooper what do you want to say to Maloree" as I handed him his balloon he immediately let it go. I laughed. Then I asked Kyler, "What do you want to tell Maloree?", he paused for a few seconds and very innocently said, "That I love her." I cried. Then I asked Lydia she said, "Maloree, read my note and I really hope you get it." I nodded.

It was so touching to hear the kids vocally express their feelings to their sister. Damone dedicated the grave and we shared some scriptures and feelings we had. It was one of the most touching and spiritual moments we have had together as a family. I left feeling at peace and I no longer felt like I was alone like I had felt earlier in the month. I felt blessed to know that my family and I were experiencing this together and none of us were alone.

What an amazing blessing our Father in Heaven has given us in that through families we aren't alone in this life and that truly makes it a lot easier to endure your trials and to endure to the end, knowing that you are side by side with the ones you love most.